The Many Faces of Facebook

Today, Facebook made its "biggest change since 2010" by adding a host of reaction emoji instead of the simple like thumb.

Why would it do this? Well, a more expressive list of reactions has been demanded by users since the service started oh those many years ago. Mostly, though, people just wanted a "dislike" button.

Well today folks got what they wanted, which was a bright new way for Facebook to screw up your interaction with your friends, loved ones, and asshole ultra-conservative relatives.

Much like the plot of Inside Out, Facebook chose five pretty simple reactions to include beside it's classic Like button. Instead of Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear, they doubled down on the happy and combined Fear and Disgust into Wow.

Facebook's new icons: Angry, Love, Wow, Haha, and Sad.

So, who should they have added? It would be obvious to add the middle finger or the high-five, but what we're searching for here is nuance in the discourse. We want to elevate the way people communicate over their chosen social media platform. Here are a couple of ideas:

From: http://emojipedia.org/

The Poo

Meaning: The versatility of this emoji is pretty spectacular. It could say that the post is full of shit, the poster is full of shit, or the idea of the post is a steaming turd. Much like German, it compiles an entire paragraph of emotion and reaction into a single, utterly unpronounceable, concept.

Use when: The mommy blog you read totally goes off the rails.

From: http://www.freepik.com

The Towel

Meaning: You have it all figured out. A reference to a prepared traveler in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

“A towel, the Guide says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”

Use it when: Someone posts an insight that is so damn simple and insightful that you can't imagine it hadn't been uttered before in the history of civilization.

From: Snopes.com

Snopes

Meaning: You're dead wrong, obviously wrong, and just splattering terrible ideas all over the internet in a way that is demeaning to yourself and everyone that knows you. Unlike The Poo, it directs people to discover enlightenment rather than dismissing them completely.

Use it when: Your natty old aunt posts about the "secret meaning of people finding red threads tied around their car antennas," and pretty much all post-debate and post-election discussions.

From: http://www.123rf.com

The Pill

Meaning: You've skipped your meds again, haven't you?

Use it when: That high school friend posts the third 1,200 word rant about the grand conspiracy between the auto mechanic, the IRS, and their ex. Or that surprise baby announcement.

From http://game-icons.net

Nuke

Meaning: Nuke the entire site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Use it when: Spider pictures.

From, alas: http://nationalreport.net/

Dislike

Meaning: The opposite of the Like button. The one we always wanted. The one that says it all.

Use it when: You dislike something.