Why I am not wearing a safety pin.

Yesterday, I got out a safety pin and put it on my coat. Friends have been changing their profile pics, talking up the idea of showing that you are an ally and advocate, pleading to apply a pin to your coat as a way to build a circle of safety in public spaces. My pin was well sized, properly shiny, and fit nicely over the Eddie Bauer logo.

#safetypin

I took off the pin and put it away.

Hopefully, the safety pin campaign is massively successful. At best, for me, it was untrue. At worst, it was selfish. The spectrum between is a fertile ground for misunderstanding. I'm not going to spend my energy on correcting that misunderstanding when there's a lot of other work to be done.



First and foremost, I cannot wear a safety pin because it would not be a guarantee. I walk around most days with a couple of kids in tow. Their safety comes first, and I cannot guarantee that I will intercede or defend anyone if it puts those kids in danger.

Yes, I think of defense physically. I'm not the biggest guy in the world. At this point in life, the height on my license is a bit generous and my weight changes with season and mood and quality of nearby beer. I was still raised at a time and place that boys were expected to land a few punches over the course of middle and high school. I did. Though not huge, I am apparently stout enough (we used to call it "husky") to ward off certain issues and not be bothered in the same places where friends have been mugged.

So, wearing a safety pin means that I should be ready to punch out someone shooting off at the mouth? No. Safety is not about me.

Being home with those kids has really altered my thinking about safety. As the only guy at most events, I need to take extra care. We have lots of playdates at public places. We get to know people before offering them rides, and graciously accept being passengers. If there's a playdate at a new friend's house, I call ahead make sure it's okay that I'm the one sticking around with the kids.

It's not the threat that men are abusers. Safety is not about me. It's about everyone being able to say "yes" or "no". If you are in the middle of the room dominating the conversation, can you hear the yes's and no's?

In my world, other people's safety is about me shutting up and listening. If putting a safety pin on my jacket is actually about me, then I haven't shut up. I'm too busy yelling "I'M SAFE" to hear what you're actually asking for.

That's the other reason that safety pin is back in its jar. That pin on my coat was about me. It's not for me to tell you that I'm "safe." I have to do that with body language, actual language, and actions. If it takes a pin to say that I'm a safe person to be around, then I'm doing those other things wrong.